PART 1 Empty Trap

Decided it would be easier to just break down every abusive situation in "parts". I already spoke of the first time I was molested and raped on the same day, by two separate pigs on my second post titled "The fear has subsided". Sometimes I wonder if they had a plan. Anyhow.. Here I go.. A never ending story of sorts, but when I am done, my voice will be so loud and my head will be held so high that I will never ever again feel worthless. My body, my life is more valuable than anything in this universe. 

    After my parents and I moved into our own place, I was for sure that I was never going to have to deal with the issues that had torn me apart and left me so confused again. Quite the contrary. This is when my life completely turned upside down. A 360 literally, right back to the beginning.  My memory is so blurred in this phase of my life. Many of the wonderful things that happened to me at that time have been erased and replaced with the sheer horror I felt every single day.

     We lived in a small one bedroom apt. right next to a High School. I could see the football players practice from our bedroom window. I always felt so safe having those big tough guys so close to me. My mother worked during the day and my father had two jobs in the night washing dishes and the graveyard shift at a supermarket. There was no one to take care of me during the day when my mom had to work. My poor parents had to be innovative. We all shared the room, so my father would move my bed in front of the bedroom door so I could not get out as he slept during the day. It must have been Summer break because there would be no other reason for my parents to keep inside. I didn't mind, I watched cartoons and played with my cat shadow. The only thing that bothered me was my dads loud snoring. AHHH that drove me bananas.

     One day I decided I was going to try to move the bed. I pushed with all my might and somehow I managed to move it just enough to squeeze my tiny body through the crack.  All of my new friends were outside climbing on the pecan tree next door to our complex. I was in heaven. Eating pecans, throwing mud balls, I even let shadow out. My dad set an alarm to wake him every so often to make sure I was OK and feed me of course. The struggles of immigrants.

    I snuck out every single day after that. I had two best friends Eunice and Sylvia. We did everything together. The Land Lady was a grumpy old woman that took care of her two teenage grandchildren, a boy whose name I don't remember and a girl that I will just call "J". J was a mean girl, always ripping our barbies heads off, throwing my poor cat shadow in the pool all the time. She was awful. Then she began to treat me real nice but was still very mean  to my other two friends.

     On a very hot day, I remember sitting on the stair case near J's unit. She came out and asked if we wanted to go hang out in the vacant apartment. "YEAH" I was all for it. I loved adventure, I knew it was wrong but I wanted to go anyways. All four of us went inside and ran around like kids except for J, she just stood there.  She looked at us and said "STOP!" We froze. She pulled out a bunch of black markers and threw them at us. She began writing all over the walls. Eunice and Sylvia freaked out and ran out of the apartment. Not me! I wanted to show her I was a big girl like her.

     I began to write curse words all over the walls. I didn't even know what I was writing, I was just copying what she was doing. I remember this part like it was yesterday and I can still hear her wicked voice say to me "Do you want to see what big girls really do?" I was certain she was going to pull out a cigarette or something. I had this in the bag. I saw my mom and dad smoke everyday, this was not going to be hard. I was going to make her look so dumb for trying to make me feel like  little girl.

    Instead of pulling out a cigarette she took off her shirt. The only breasts I had ever seen were my moms and she always tried to hide them but that was kind of hard when we all shared the same room. She looked at me and said "So are you just going to stand there or what?" I wasn't sure what to do, so I took my shirt off too and just stood there thinking how stupid this game was.

     She started laughing at me because I had no breasts and told me I looked like a boy. I began to feel so ashamed. She was making fun of me because I was so dark and I had a silly haircut. I started getting my shirt and she grabbed me and pressed me up against her. She said " Don't worry, I was just teasing you, people do that when they like you." I still felt so strange and just wanted to get the hell out of there but I didn't move.  She than told me that we were going to play Dr. and I was going to be the patient. She touched me everywhere and she made me touch her too. I was scared. Then suddenly she stood up, put her clothes spit on me, and ran off!

     I was in so much trouble for tagging up the apartment and most of all for sneaking out of the house.  I didn't dare tell my parents what really happened in there, I was afraid I was going to get in even more trouble. I never mentioned what happened that day to anyone. This is the first time I have ever spoke of it. WOW! what a dirty bitch! Then again, wonder what happened to her to make her capable of doing this to me. I forgive u J, hope your life is at peace and I release you from my pain.


"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Gandhi