I can not remember when the abuse started, I can not remember how many times nor can I remember for how long it went on for. I just know that the things that I do remember have completely damaged me almost to the point of leaving this earth. We are all taught as children to tell an adult if something is wrong, a parent, a teacher, a Police/Fireman. These are the people that are here to protect us. Just my luck, I have to come across the one bad apple.
There was a fireman that lived on the same street as one of my family members. He had 2 children, a wife a nice house and was a very nice man. I must have been between the ages of 8-10, like I said before this part of my life is a blur and there are allot of missing pieces.
Because my memory is so jumbled it is hard for me to express exactly how things happen, I just remember him raping me more than once on his bathroom floor. He had an accomplice, or maybe it was just another kid he was abusing to participate. As he raped me he wanted the accomplice to listen from outside the door. He pushed my face to the left so I could see the boys face from underneath the door. He used to always put this broken piece of glass up to my throat and told me that if I moved a muscle that my head would come right off. I was silent. My body didn't belong to me. I was just a toy again.
One time I remember him telling me that I was a horrible lover, and no one would ever love me because I didn't know how to "move". He told me I looked like boy and that me and my family were not worth anything, that we were disposable.
On one occasion he told me that if I told anybody he would get my 2 younger family members. I was terrified. They were smaller than me and I did not want them to feel pain. When I would spend the night at my family members house, I would sneak out and go to his house in the morning before anyone woke up. I wanted him to get me so he would not think about my cousins. After he was done with me, I would go back to the house and collect snails from the yard, put them in the tree house and pour salt all over them. That fireman was the snail to me. I wanted him dead. I prayed for him to die.
One day I got brave. I didn't let him do it. I moved around and made noise. He told me that if I did not shut up he was going to rip my tongue out of my mouth. I told him "do it you stupid jerk".. There was nothing to live for anymore, I didn't care what he did from that point, nothing could possibly be more painful than what I was already experiencing. He grabbed me by my hair and took me into his yard. The "accomplice" was there. I could here my cousins riding their big wheels on the street, my aunt was home and all I had to do was scream. I was outside someone would hear me.
He pulled out his fireman ax and began waiving it around, the accomplice seemed scared but did not say a word. He than grabbed a broom and chopped it in half with his ax. I don't remember hearing any sound anymore and it was almost as if I was watching what was happening like I was floating above the scene. The accomplice was holding my hands above my head and I was laying on a picnic bench. The good ol fireman decided to rape me with that broom. He made sure to use the jagged chopped up side. I can still feel the warmth of my tears running down the side of my face. I did not make one sound. I was so afraid my aunt would hear and find me there like a piece of butchered meat.I didn't want one of my cousins to come in to find me and let him take his wrath out on them too.
When he was done he told me that if I said one word he would kill my family. I believed him. I came home from my aunts and a few days later there was blood in my underwear. My mother saw it and thought I had started my period. It wouldn't have been strange since many woman in my family started their periods at a very young age. My mom bought me balloons, a cake and red roses. My grandmother was there and we had a cake. They were so happy I had turned into a woman. My grandmother kept asking me if I needed to tell her something, she was very intuitive but I kept telling her everything was fine. Again, I blew a chance to tell out of fear and shame. I surely did not want to disappoint my family after the whole party they had thrown for me.
I prayed ever night for his death, a slow painful descent. I then heard he got cancer and died. As a child, I was horrified. I believed that my intention was so strong that I killed this man. "What about his family?" I blamed myself and the guilt ate me alive.
I prayed ever night for his death, a slow painful descent. I then heard he got cancer and died. As a child, I was horrified. I believed that my intention was so strong that I killed this man. "What about his family?" I blamed myself and the guilt ate me alive.
There was no hope for me. I was just a piece of disposable trash.That is what he made me feel like. Up until this point I felt like trash, treated my body like trash and allowed others to treat me like trash. I am NOT trash. I pray for his soul. I know that what he is suffering now is worse than anything he ever did to me!
"You gain strength,courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop and look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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