So here we go again, the saga continues. After the whole "J" incident, I began to feel really afraid. We lived in a small one bedroom apartment and even though my bed and my parents bed were right next to each other, I would still climb in there at night because I was afraid to be alone. Afraid isn't even the appropriate word. I was terrified, a kind of fear that is almost unexplainable. Even after we moved away and I had my own room I would sill go and sleep in my parents bed until I was about 14 years old!! Imagine that.. That must of really helped their marriage.
Summer was over and I started 1st grade at a new school. Charles Lee elementary. I had many friends and my teacher, Mrs. Bender was awesome. She did everything to help me fit in and understand the language. I felt so happy. I don't remember correctly if my mom took the bus home from work to come and get me after school but I was told to always wait and never leave the front of the school until she got there. She was always on time.
One day I sat and waited for what seemed to be an eternity. The school was empty and I knew something had to be wrong. Mrs bender was leaving and saw me sitting there. She asked me if I needed a ride home. Times were different than. A teacher could never o that now. I told her no I was going to wait for my mom because I knew she was coming, maybe something happen to the bus???? I waited and waited and she didn't come so I decided I was going to just walk home on my own.
I finally made it to my street 'Rockvale" and it was a little way until I would get home. Suddenly this red pic up truck pulled up next to me. My mom always told me that I feel scared in the street, not to show it, make a mad face and keep walking. So tha is what I did. Then a girls voice came from inside the truck, "Hey Little girl, you wanna ride home?" There was a guy in the back still wearing his High School football jersey on. I wasn't afraid anymore. remember? I always felt so safe with those tuff football players right next door. There was nothing to worry about.
So I hopped in the cab and we take off, in the wrong direction. I didn't say one word, and if I did I don't remember. There was 2 guys and a girl in the front of the truck and me and the football guy in the back. I was kind of having fun sitting in the back of the truck. We started heading up to Angeles National Forest which was real close to where we lived.
I don't remember getting out of the truck, I don't even remember walking over to the river that was there. All I remember was the three guys sitting on a log or a broken fence taking turns telling Cassandra what to do to me. Her name was Cassandra and if they didn't say her name she wasn't supposed to do anything, Kind of like the game Simon Says.
I didn't move a muscle, didn't say a word, did not shed one tear. I just stood there like an idiot hoping that the earth would just open up underneath me and swallow me away. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. The boys voices were muffled I could only clearly hear Cassandras name and then they would laugh. What a witch, Why? Chosen again to endure this kind of shit. Must be the good ol' American dream I was living right?
Things stared rather calm, if you can even call it that, but rapidly progressed into very violent and painful things. This girl began shoving all kinds of things inside of me. Rocks, sticks even a beetle. I just looked up into the trees and remember the eaves swaying back and forth slower than normal. Suddenly a bunch of black crows scattered out of the trees and everyone stopped. I looked at the boys and said "please stop" The guy in the football Jersey said something like "I was wondering when you were going to stop, I was beginning to think this little bitch liked it, I bet you did didn't you?" I looked right at him and said "yes"I was afraid and thought if I was nice they would be my friends and just take me home.
Again I don't remember leaving that place I just remember being dropped off in the exact place that I was picked up at. As I quickly jumped out Cassandra said "If you want to forget about what happened to you today all you have to do is grab on tight to a cactus" they started laughing and skidded away. I began running towards my school. It was closer then running home and the sun was starting to go down. I ran and ran, it felt like nothing around me was moving only my feet. It was so weird.
Suddenly I heard my mom yell out my name "Flavia" She walked over to me quickly and hugged me so hard i could not breath. She said she walked up and down the street two times looking for me and thought she was going to die if she didn't find me. I can't remember clear, but I think she told me her bus had a flat tire and they had to change buss and that is why she was so late.
After the initial shock of actually finding me was over, I got in trouble for leaving my post. She scolded me about never leaving and that I was lucky no one tried to take me away. At that moment I decided I was not going to tell my mom, she was right someone could have, and they did take me away because I did not listen to her. It was my fault and did not want to get into anymore trouble. I sure didn't want to make my mom suffer anymore than what she was suffering already.
The next day must have been a Saturday because both of my parents were home and I was playing outside with my cat shadow. She hated that I would pull her tail, but I did it anyways and chased her around the apartment complex. Then I saw it, a big, fat round cactus sitting in front of someones door step. I immediately ran over to it and grabbed it with both hands. The pain was unbearable, but it worked, It erased all the other stuff from my mind, at that moment.
I came home and as my mom pulled out every single cactus needle out of my hands. She laughed at me for being so silly. "Why would you do that" I laughed with her covering the real pain inside. I just sat there feeling so safe. All I needed was my mommy and I knew that everything would be OK.
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”- Maya Angelou
Whoa Tear, Tear! It wasn't your fault.
ReplyDelete