Flashbacks and Panic Attacks and Triggers, Oh My!!!

When severe trauma is present, it is very common for individuals to experience the negative long term effects. Many survivors of sexual abuse or anybody that has been witness to traumatic events suffer from an array of both physical and psychological hindrances. One such obstacle and one of the most common in fact is panic Attacks, often joined by flashbacks.

Panic attacks and flashbacks can be triggered by anything and everything. Common triggers are seeing or hearing about someone Else's rape or abuse, seeing an abuser or someone who resembles an abuser, being touched in a sensitive place, hearing a phrase used by the abuser, the survivor's children reaching the age the survivor was when the abuse started, particular calendar dates... unfortunately there are as many potential triggers as there are survivors. Panic attacks usually include the following symptoms:

*Hyperventilation

*Accelerated heartbeat

*Dizziness

*Anxiety

*Feelings of impending death.

     Unfortunately these symptoms in themselves are likely to increase the anxiety.

Hyperventilation is the main cause of other symptoms during a panic attack: dizziness, nausea and tingling in the hands and feet. By changing and calming your breathing, you can help the panic attack to finish more quickly. Take slow, deep breaths and try to breathe from the stomach instead of the upper chest. Exhale easily. Concentrate on your breathing. This should minimize other symptoms. Practice this method of breathing when you are calm, so that it comes naturally when you need to apply it during an attack.

Flashbacks are when the survivor has a period of intense recall of the abuse situation. They may feel trapped inside the memory, that it is actually happening in the present. In the past I have tried many things to get control of flashbacks, including starving myself, taking a ton of over the counter sleep pills, and even have resorted to hurting myself by biting to the point that I would draw blood. However and obviously these methods don't do us any good all they do is add fuel to the fire. By alleviating the pain at that moment you are only drowning yourself in more anguish making it harder and harder to get out of that situation. These negative defense mechanisms only add to the harm we have already suffered.

Try the breathing exercise outlined above.

Open your eyes and really look at your surroundings. Remind yourself that you are in a safe place.

Picture the memory as being a film, of which you have control. Pan the camera back and let the screen fade to gray.

Try to take control of the memory - break a window to escape, imagine a weapon in your hand that you can use.

Remember that the flashback will pass and that the frequency of flashbacks will decrease and their power over you will lessen as your healing moves forward.

Talking with other survivors can help you feel less alone with the burden. It's reassuring to know that other people understand your symptoms. The most positive move I made in my healing was reaching out to other people in my position, through message boards and forums.

If you have methods of coping that have worked for you with panic attacks and/or flashbacks, I would love to here them, not only for myself but for others that might want to find help as well.

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen, keep in the sunlight" ~ Benjamin Franklin

References:

Kaz. (2008). Panic attacks. Retrieved from safehaven-uk.org

My own Self Perception: Relationships

So here we go again. This has been yet another journey. Having to set my ego aside and look at my faults straight in the face. I can't help but to feel a little deceived by my own Psyche. I have always felt I was the most perfect companion. Boy was I wrong. I am........a beautiful disaster. In retrospect, I can see how the sexual abuse as a child affected every single one of my adult relationships.

When we are born, we come into this world naked, vulnerable and innocent. Adults in our lives nurture us, feed us, clothes us. As we get older, we don't need these adults as much, but by no means does this signify that we are not shaped by their actions. It is that exact vulnerability and innocence that allows us to be so easily coerced and manipulated into abusive situations. In turn, what do we learn? Why does our sub-conscience mind tell us that it is OK to just "settle", to be made to feel undeserving and just sticking around when everyone around you as well as the healthy part of your brain are telling you to run as fast as you can?

Because of the abuse and lack of healthy adult interactions, as an adult, I have made the same mistake over and over again. Convenience? No way, more like, "I feel that I am not good enough for anyone so I will just settle with who ever pays me any kind of attention. Sounds like I have myself a huge conundrum. How can I just be with anyone, but I can not trust anyone? Makes no sense. The only logical explanation in my mind is that since I don't know any better, since I don't know healthy relationships, I am not even aware there is a problem until it is too late.

The same problem always arises in my relationships including now with my poor husband that is proving to me day by day that he too is struggling with my issues but is trying frantically to go out of his way to support me. I sat down one day and wrote down all the issues I had in all my relationships, even little 4 month high school relationships. Here is what I found. I am overly trusting in the beginning. Even if there are clear warning signs, I brush them aside. I am extremely jealous, not of the present, but of the past. The thought of someone being with someone more attractive, smarter, wealthier then me makes me lose my mind. I am constantly harassing asking "do I look fat? Do you think I am ugly" it is a pain in ass.  Why should I even care. Every relationship has had it fair share of lying, cheating, manipulation, violence. 

As a mother, I have to step out of my box and take a good look at my behavior. I don't want my daughter to be shaped by my actions or reactions to things around me. Why lie? Why stay with a compulsive liar? I lie to hype myself up. I am obviously not proud of who I am. Why stick around with a liar? Because I am to gullible to the deceit right under my nose until after the fact. Why cheat? Because the fact of knowing that I am desired by others is almost euphoric. Because I rather get you before you get me. I know it is going to happen, so I might as well be the first one to do it and beat you to the punch. Why stay with a cheater? Because no one will ever really love me so accepting what I already have seems to be logical. Because I don't give value or worth to myself to know that faithfulness and loyalty in a companion is what I deserve. Why stick around when I am getting beat in the face and humiliated? Because that is how it has always been and that is all I know. Sub-consciously I feel as if I deserve that treatment. Why am I violent? The rage inside is uncontrollable. Anger is part of who I am now, bitterness, coldness. It feels good to hit someone.

How shameful to acknowledge these things, yet so soothing to know that "old me is left behind". I am now learning how to show my affection. The good kind. I don't look away or get nervous when I say I love you. I am trying so hard not to freak out just to hold your hand. Every time something good comes along, I have no idea how to react so I push it away. Thank God for the one person that has chosen to stick around and accompany me on this wild ride of self discovery. I know one thing for sure. The demons of my past will have no power in my life anymore.  Being able o acknowledge these things is only the beginning. Feeling guilty for standing up for myself or using the excuse that I am afraid of being alone will not make its presence known in my mind anymore. I am strong. I know this because I would not be alive now if I weren't.