PART 3 Venus Fly Trap

Looking back at myself as a child, I can not imagine how I was able to manage to somehow live a normal life with no one suspecting anything. Surely their had to have been signs that something was wrong. Maybe it was the lack of a hardly lucid father that worked his ass off and a mother that had to do the same. It is only now that I m realising that the things that happened to me as a child completely influenced my behaviors as an adolescent and into adulthood.
I remember again moving into my Aunt and Uncles new house, which was pretty close to the apartments we were living at. They had 2 small children, my cousins were both 4 and 5 years younger then me, I must have been about 6 or 7 when we moved in there. None the less I had to be put into a new school that was fairly close to the house. I was placed in what I now believe was a special ed class because My English was not so great. There was students ranging from 1st grade up to 6th grade. That's  the only reason I think it was some kind of special class.
Sometimes I would pee my pants at school so I would always take extra underwear with me in my school bag. No one ever knew that. If I felt nervous or if I began getting teased allot for having and accent and a gap in my teeth it would just happen. Don't know how I manged to keep that a secret but I covered that up too. Must have been a secret agent in a past life?
There were these horrible smelling plants that grew around the front yard. My uncle told me they were Venus Fly Traps but I don't remember them looking like that, but they did stink like meat, yuke. The house was on the corner but still there was not allot of traffic on that street. One day as I was poking sticks into the stinky plants. I noticed this boy just staring at me from 3 houses down. Something came over me, an anger that I had never felt before. I ripped the plant out of the ground, ran over towards him as fast as I could and threw it at him.
The next day in school, I realized that the boy I had bombarded was in my class. He was one of the older kids in the class an we became friends. We would always play inside of these stack of giant tires on our playground. One day while we were both squished in the tires he said to me "look at this" and there in front of me was yet another penis! When I tried to climb out, he grabbed my foot and dragged me back down. I fell to the very bottom. We never went down there because there was always water. He started masturbating over me and all I could do was curl into a ball and sit silently in the water. I suddenly felt something land on the top of my hand, as I was covering my head, trying to keep from looking up. I thought he had urinated on me. As an adult I now know much better what that substance really was.
The recess bell rang and he climbed out but I stayed inside. I could here the teachers calling for me but I didn't want to move. I then heard Jason, that was his name say "she is in the tire tunnel". The teacher climbed up an said "there you are come on out are you stuck" I said "no" and in a very quite voice I said "I made a pee pee in my pants and I am afraid to get out." I remember getting out and the teacher took me to the nurse to call my mother to come and get me. I remember telling her not to call because I have extra underwear in my bag.
The nurse began asking questions about why I had underwear in my bag etc. etc. and then she asked me if anyone had ever touched me. Here was my golden opportunity, all I needed to say was YES. But instead I looked at her and said "NO NEVER". I don't remember if my parents were called into school that day I just remember that I began to think I was peeing my pants because of the previous abuse that had happened. I thought they popped a hole in me and that is why I could not hold it in. I was so afraid to tell,  I was afraid that now I would have to go tot he Doctor and have a surgery or something. I was terrified.
I shared a room with my cousin, which was about 2 or 3 at the time. My bed was closer to the window and in the morning she would get in my bed and we would watch the people walking about outside from the window. I suddenly felt something warm on my leg. I thought it was me at first but realized soon that she had peed on my bed. Instead of getting mad, I remember my heart pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode out of my chest. I just kept imagining that something might have happened to her too!
That was the day that everything changed for me. I was afraid of every man. My father, my uncles, my Grandfather even my cousin who was only 1 or 2 years old. Like an idiot though, I stayed silent. Hoping that one day this would all pass. After the whole peeing in my bed incident, I began to convince myself that something had happened to her and since it had happened to both of us than this was normal and here was nothing to worry about. I am not in any way suggesting that anything happened to her in real life. But as a child that is what I told myself to feel safe. The story at this address does not end here. But I as I am remembering this one particular time, I am beginning to feel more and more angry at myself. What a fool I was. Sometimes I feel like I must have liked it or I would have opened my stupid mouth!

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."-Gandhi


  1. Due remeber you were a kid not knowing how life was suppose to be or what people where suppose to do.

  2. You can't blame yourself, you were a kid and you were scared. Kids don't know what normal is, they only know what they have experienced. Kids who witness domestic violence, and kids who are physically and sexually abused think that that is normal because that is their life experience. It's not until the adults in their life consistently teach them about safety and encourage them to speak up about what scares them, that they start to understand that happened to them was wrong and it wasn't their fault. I guess most adults just never think anything bad is going to happen to their kids so they don't talk to them much about safety. But some parents who were victimized as kids are so protective of their kids that their kids see the world as unsafe and scary. But you are on a journey of self-discovery and are already very self-aware. I have no doubts your little girl will be just fine. :-)

  3. Sometimes I feel that I might be to over protective.. I am trying to heal so that I can let my daughter live a healthy life without an over bearing mother but still be safe. finding that middle ground is going to be complicated.
    Even though I know it is not my fault, I still have this over powering feeling of guilt. That I could have stopped any of this at any moment but didn't. One day I will be at peace with this. Thank you so much for the support and not judging me.. I am still after all the same ol' me. Silly and goofy witha mouth of a sailor..... ;-)