Saturday, June 26, 2010

My own Self Perception: Relationships

So here we go again. This has been yet another journey. Having to set my ego aside and look at my faults straight in the face. I can't help but to feel a little deceived by my own Psyche. I have always felt I was the most perfect companion. Boy was I wrong. I am........a beautiful disaster. In retrospect, I can see how the sexual abuse as a child affected every single one of my adult relationships.
When we are born, we come into this world naked, vulnerable and innocent. Adults in our lives nurture us, feed us, clothes us. As we get older, we don't need these adults as much, but by no means does this signify that we are not shaped by their actions. It is that exact vulnerability and innocence that allows us to be so easily coerced and manipulated into abusive situations. In turn, what do we learn? Why does our sub-conscience mind tell us that it is OK to just "settle", to be made to feel undeserving and just sticking around when everyone around you as well as the healthy part of your brain are telling you to run as fast as you can?
Because of the abuse and lack of healthy adult interactions, as an adult, I have made the same mistake over and over again. Convenience? No way, more like, "I feel that I am not good enough for anyone so I will just settle with who ever pays me any kind of attention. Sounds like I have myself a huge conundrum. How can I just be with anyone, but I can not trust anyone? Makes no sense. The only logical explanation in my mind is that since I don't know any better, since I don't know healthy relationships, I am not even aware there is a problem until it is too late.
The same problem always arises in my relationships including now with my poor husband that is proving to me day by day that he too is struggling with my issues but is trying frantically to go out of his way to support me. I sat down one day and wrote down all the issues I had in all my relationships, even little 4 month high school relationships. Here is what I found. I am overly trusting in the beginning. Even if there are clear warning signs, I brush them aside. I am extremely jealous, not of the present, but of the past. The thought of someone being with someone more attractive, smarter, wealthier then me makes me lose my mind. I am constantly harassing asking "do I look fat? Do you think I am ugly" it is a pain in ass.  Why should I even care. Every relationship has had it fair share of lying, cheating, manipulation, violence. 
As a mother, I have to step out of my box and take a good look at my behavior. I don't want my daughter to be shaped by my actions or reactions to things around me. Why lie? Why stay with a compulsive liar? I lie to hype myself up. I am obviously not proud of who I am. Why stick around with a liar? Because I am to gullible to the deceit right under my nose until after the fact. Why cheat? Because the fact of knowing that I am desired by others is almost euphoric. Because I rather get you before you get me. I know it is going to happen, so I might as well be the first one to do it and beat you to the punch. Why stay with a cheater? Because no one will ever really love me so accepting what I already have seems to be logical. Because I don't give value or worth to myself to know that faithfulness and loyalty in a companion is what I deserve. Why stick around when I am getting beat in the face and humiliated? Because that is how it has always been and that is all I know. Sub-consciously I feel as if I deserve that treatment. Why am I violent? The rage inside is uncontrollable. Anger is part of who I am now, bitterness, coldness. It feels good to hit someone.
How shameful to acknowledge these things, yet so soothing to know that "old me is left behind". I am now learning how to show my affection. The good kind. I don't look away or get nervous when I say I love you. I am trying so hard not to freak out just to hold your hand. Every time something good comes along, I have no idea how to react so I push it away. Thank God for the one person that has chosen to stick around and accompany me on this wild ride of self discovery. I know one thing for sure. The demons of my past will have no power in my life anymore.  Being able o acknowledge these things is only the beginning. Feeling guilty for standing up for myself or using the excuse that I am afraid of being alone will not make its presence known in my mind anymore. I am strong. I know this because I would not be alive now if I weren't.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My Own Self Perception: Self Esteem, Insecurities and how they affect my Adult Life.

Rape and sexual abuse have so many effects on a persons self esteem. In a world where we are judged daily, our insecurities as survivors are tried 10 fold. Any kind of abuse completely violates every part of us. Our body, minds and soul. It is so hard to fell worthy after your core is so battered. 
We feel horrible inside. There are no words to describe the fear, shame and worthlessness I feel sometimes. In turn this has drastically caused huge implications for me. In my next few posts, I intend on speaking, one by one on the aspects of my life that have been severely damaged by my abuse. 

Intimate Relationships:
Family  & Friends:
Professional Life:
Personal Life:

Although I know what is wrong, I just can not get myself to feel the right way. It is so hard to explain. Maybe in the coming days, with the help of my therapist, I might come to a conclusion on how to start feeling better about me. I just want that shinning star to come out and glow without the fear of burning out or just not being bright enough.
As I mentioned before, by no means am I at a point in my career to give out professional advice. I speak from the heart, my life is now an open book and I want to share my experiences to help myself and others but as well to find a correlation between my emotions and behaviors compared to other survivors.
My self esteem is shot. I know why, it is obvious right? Being told you are worthless all your life. Being made to feel like a fool, humiliation and vulgarity beginning at a young age. I know, I know, but why can't I control the way I feel. It is frightening  not to be able to control your own emotions. The only time I feel any sense of confidence is when I am really skinny, when I am told I am pretty over and over again, it is so annoying!
I want all eyes on me. Not because I have on a nice dress, but more so because I want to make sure everyone wants to see me out of that dress. I go out of my way to exude sexuality. Twisted right? Like if that is all that encompasses me. I feel like I have no worth if it isn't sexual in nature.
Every time I feel happy I am almost instantly brought back to my place of worthlessness. I don't ever feel I deserve anything good in my life. When something good does come along, I run away in fear of failing or getting hurt. The strong girl inside has no idea how to break out.
Work, I can't even get out of bed half the time to make it into the office on time. The thought of being alone in a parking lot terrifies me, or an office full men. How is that going to work out? I am scared yet I want to make sure they all want me? I feel like such a weirdo, a freak even delusional at times.
All of my intimate relationships have similar issues that stem from both partners. Cheating, lying, violence you name it. So this where I choose to begin in depth speaking about how my self esteem and insecurity have affected my relationships, even the relationship I have with my own husband today.
Thank you all for the support. Stay tuned ;-)

SPEAK OUT!!!!!!!