Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Going public, My first entry

Not so sure how to start this, or even how far this will go.... Not sure if I will keep the details to myself, or maybe by letting every single grotesque detail out the pain in my heart will be released. My intention for this blog is not for a pity party, but more of a healing process for me. I have walked in shame for too long and I refuse to allow that to happen to me anymore and I am regaining my power that was stolen from me.
I have seen a few Psychiatrists and the best advice given to me was "Let it out". So here I am, about to expose the most inner secrets that I have. There is only a handful of people that already know about my life, but even they do not know the extent of the abuse and how it has affected me as an adult. I know I am not alone, but some days I feel that there is no one that has suffered like me, I cry, I scream, I get angry, I have to take medication to smile, I have anxiety attacks, I am afraid to be home alone, I do not trust anyone. My motto has always been "Get HIM before HE gets you".
I am taking a big step in allowing the world to know what has happen to me. I know I will lose many Friends and I am OK with that. I know that some people will turn a blind eye and I am OK with that too. I just hope that maybe one person out there can find solice in my story and know that there is a way out of this shame. This is not our fault. It took me my whole life to come to this conclusion "There is a master plan behind everything" so if my suffering will lead to healing in others,bringing more awareness to the matter, and finding peace of mind, then my path is complete.
The first time my soul was tattered I was 4 or 5 years old, about 3 month after I had arrived to the United States. I think this is where I will stop for now. Gather some more strength and remember that My heart only beats for one person, My daughter and I want to be the best mom in the world. I am doing this for her....