Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Long Overdue

So it's been about 3 months since my last post.  In these 3 months I have gone through a whirl wind of emotions some good, some bad some neutral.  The difference this time is that no matter what hit me and how hard things came at me, I stood up faster than I ever even imagined I could.  I stared fear in the face and told it "bring it on, you can not make a sucker out of me anymore".  Guess what? It worked. I have never felt so empowered in my life.
It is easy to give others advice, to tell them how to live their lives in  way that would make for an easier existence. From the words of Lewis Carroll himself "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it".  Just like his book Alice's adventures in wonderland, I sometimes feel that I am in some sort of other dimension. I always allow the fear to resignate within me and that oh so pesky low self esteem chick to come around way too often. I have learned to hide them away. It is hard to do it, but once you figure it out you can't imagine living any other way.
In the past 3 month I have gone back to school, started intense counseling, published my very first e-book and I am currently working on a one strike law for sex offenders.  These are things I would have never done before. I decided to follow the advice I was giving everyone else.  Sure there are days when I don't want to get up, days where the world seems like it would do much better without me in it.  When that happens, I stop, take a moment and remember all the wonderful things I have accomplished in a very short amount of time.  I think about my daughter that loves me and I think of myself, and how much I have grown to love me.
My past has hurt me beyond what any word in a dictionary can ever define.  The shame I still feel, the anger and hostility it is all there, it is all a part of me.  I love myself now, I love every single pore on my body, I love every single hideous flaw and every beautiful attribute, I love me I love me I love me.  Without those horrific wounds, I would not be in the place that I am in right now.  I am struggling to make ends meet, but I am alive.  I am obsessed with my weight, but I have food in my refrigerator.  I am terrified by ever single sound, but I can hear.  I am petrified not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but I am entranced by the opportunities that await me.
Tonight, I want to thank all of the vile human beings that thought my life was worthless, that said I was nothing, that told me that I had no meaning.  Thank you for making me a voice for the others that have not found theirs yet, thank you for showing me how glorious the girl inside really is and most of all, thank you for showing me that I am a warrior I am a fighter and my blade will cut through your soul 20 times more than you cut through mine.

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it".
                                                                                        ~ Rabindranath Tagore