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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Long Overdue

So it's been about 3 months since my last post.  In these 3 months I have gone through a whirl wind of emotions some good, some bad some neutral.  The difference this time is that no matter what hit me and how hard things came at me, I stood up faster than I ever even imagined I could.  I stared fear in the face and told it "bring it on, you can not make a sucker out of me anymore".  Guess what? It worked. I have never felt so empowered in my life.
It is easy to give others advice, to tell them how to live their lives in  way that would make for an easier existence. From the words of Lewis Carroll himself "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it".  Just like his book Alice's adventures in wonderland, I sometimes feel that I am in some sort of other dimension. I always allow the fear to resignate within me and that oh so pesky low self esteem chick to come around way too often. I have learned to hide them away. It is hard to do it, but once you figure it out you can't imagine living any other way.
In the past 3 month I have gone back to school, started intense counseling, published my very first e-book and I am currently working on a one strike law for sex offenders.  These are things I would have never done before. I decided to follow the advice I was giving everyone else.  Sure there are days when I don't want to get up, days where the world seems like it would do much better without me in it.  When that happens, I stop, take a moment and remember all the wonderful things I have accomplished in a very short amount of time.  I think about my daughter that loves me and I think of myself, and how much I have grown to love me.
My past has hurt me beyond what any word in a dictionary can ever define.  The shame I still feel, the anger and hostility it is all there, it is all a part of me.  I love myself now, I love every single pore on my body, I love every single hideous flaw and every beautiful attribute, I love me I love me I love me.  Without those horrific wounds, I would not be in the place that I am in right now.  I am struggling to make ends meet, but I am alive.  I am obsessed with my weight, but I have food in my refrigerator.  I am terrified by ever single sound, but I can hear.  I am petrified not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but I am entranced by the opportunities that await me.
Tonight, I want to thank all of the vile human beings that thought my life was worthless, that said I was nothing, that told me that I had no meaning.  Thank you for making me a voice for the others that have not found theirs yet, thank you for showing me how glorious the girl inside really is and most of all, thank you for showing me that I am a warrior I am a fighter and my blade will cut through your soul 20 times more than you cut through mine.

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it".
                                                                                        ~ Rabindranath Tagore

4 comments:

  1. Hi Flavi
    It is nice to here from you again. You are on the right track.Keep faith
    Here is one more from Ravindranath Tagore
    -Faith is the bird which sings even when the dawn is still dark-
    PLEASE READ

    http://pothi.com/pothi/book/amit-dave-gifted-toy

    FIRST POEM- Emotions when depression strikes-
    A GIFTED –TOY (tame the monster inside you)
    I was rushing down the road.
    Singing, jumping all along in joyous mood.
    On a sharp corner, fogy day and far way.
    I bumped into a monster blocking my way.
    I was knocked down, bleeding on the road side,
    The monster was laughing loud and wide,
    I lay there for days unknown,
    Woke up to see the rainy afternoon.
    There were rains, lightning and thunder storm,
    I had to lie there, why I don’t know,

    Rain stopped and rainbow sighted
    Birds seen flying, singing and delighted,
    There was joy in all woods around
    But I was scared, looking the monster around.
    Few boys came around I did not say any thing but,
    They lifted me up and took me to a hut.

    I met my GURUJI, whom I know as my mentor
    He gave me food, medicine and shelter,
    He taught me the ways and means for
    How to live happily once again
    “Still I am scared GURUJI,” once I screamed
    “I always see monster in my dream”
    “Why do you think” said Guruji “Monster blocking you”
    “It is now only inside you and you only are blocking you”
    “Learn the ways and art of life”
    Take the inner monster in you stride”
    “Make it your best friend, O my boy”
    It is a blessing in disguise and A GIFTED TOY.



    second poem- when you understand emotion and be at ease with them-

    47. A GIFTED TOY
    (tamed monster, a buddy)
    O Guruji, thank you a zillion times,
    you made me your boy.
    now only, I can understand,
    and accept this monster as a gifted toy.

    Now I can play with him, if I want,
    and turn it off when I don’t.
    I allow it to play with myself,
    and then pack it off to the shelf.
    The monster sometimes smiles,
    And walk with me, hand in hand, for miles.
    Sometimes, when I am unable to walk,
    He lifts me up, and run, shunning the talk.
    He is my buddy, if I deploy
    I know, for sure, it is my GIFTED TOY.

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  2. What a beautiful quote. <3 and an even more beautiful Poem! Can I use that one day in my blog? Very meaningful..... :-)Thank you for your words of support.
    PS I am still waiting for the shaky shake here in California I feel it in my bones AHHH.... You are awesome Amit. Glad we have become friends.
    Flavia

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  3. Flavia
    Sure.You can use it in your blog. It is meant for all people,feeling let down in life and--and-- stand up ,walk ,run, and even fly.
    These two poems are part of my book-A Gifted Toy-
    The book gives/shows the ways of beating the blues
    regards
    Amit

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  4. FLVIA
    This is a small paragraph from my book-A Gifted Toy-


    Ask why not me

    This idea of “Why not me” was revealed to me by a young boy. This boy, very intelligent in his study was not selected for a scholarship. He came to me, with his head down and said, “I am not selected.”
    “So what?” I explained there are one hundred and twenty students in your batch. Why not others?
    Suddenly. I realized how easy it was for me, to advise this boy. In one of my illnesses I was always unhappy about “Why me, O lord” Slowly it dawned on to me that, the question “why not me?” has a deeper meaning then it appears.
    Any set back, physical, emotional, financial or career problems, family problems, demise of a loved one, you name it, can be eased by asking “why not me”, there are hundred thousand people around you. It has to happen to any body. It could be me, you or anybody else. It is just a matter of chance, that you were short listed for this purpose.
    I am not saying here, that you should take everything lying down, without any diligent fight. Work, fight and remember the question “why not me?”
    It is not as easy as it appears to accept the full meaning of this question, nevertheless, with full understanding and repeatedly asking the question “why not me” will ultimately ease out the intensity of your emotion about any event.

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