Saturday, June 26, 2010

My own Self Perception: Relationships

So here we go again. This has been yet another journey. Having to set my ego aside and look at my faults straight in the face. I can't help but to feel a little deceived by my own Psyche. I have always felt I was the most perfect companion. Boy was I wrong. I am........a beautiful disaster. In retrospect, I can see how the sexual abuse as a child affected every single one of my adult relationships.
When we are born, we come into this world naked, vulnerable and innocent. Adults in our lives nurture us, feed us, clothes us. As we get older, we don't need these adults as much, but by no means does this signify that we are not shaped by their actions. It is that exact vulnerability and innocence that allows us to be so easily coerced and manipulated into abusive situations. In turn, what do we learn? Why does our sub-conscience mind tell us that it is OK to just "settle", to be made to feel undeserving and just sticking around when everyone around you as well as the healthy part of your brain are telling you to run as fast as you can?
Because of the abuse and lack of healthy adult interactions, as an adult, I have made the same mistake over and over again. Convenience? No way, more like, "I feel that I am not good enough for anyone so I will just settle with who ever pays me any kind of attention. Sounds like I have myself a huge conundrum. How can I just be with anyone, but I can not trust anyone? Makes no sense. The only logical explanation in my mind is that since I don't know any better, since I don't know healthy relationships, I am not even aware there is a problem until it is too late.
The same problem always arises in my relationships including now with my poor husband that is proving to me day by day that he too is struggling with my issues but is trying frantically to go out of his way to support me. I sat down one day and wrote down all the issues I had in all my relationships, even little 4 month high school relationships. Here is what I found. I am overly trusting in the beginning. Even if there are clear warning signs, I brush them aside. I am extremely jealous, not of the present, but of the past. The thought of someone being with someone more attractive, smarter, wealthier then me makes me lose my mind. I am constantly harassing asking "do I look fat? Do you think I am ugly" it is a pain in ass.  Why should I even care. Every relationship has had it fair share of lying, cheating, manipulation, violence. 
As a mother, I have to step out of my box and take a good look at my behavior. I don't want my daughter to be shaped by my actions or reactions to things around me. Why lie? Why stay with a compulsive liar? I lie to hype myself up. I am obviously not proud of who I am. Why stick around with a liar? Because I am to gullible to the deceit right under my nose until after the fact. Why cheat? Because the fact of knowing that I am desired by others is almost euphoric. Because I rather get you before you get me. I know it is going to happen, so I might as well be the first one to do it and beat you to the punch. Why stay with a cheater? Because no one will ever really love me so accepting what I already have seems to be logical. Because I don't give value or worth to myself to know that faithfulness and loyalty in a companion is what I deserve. Why stick around when I am getting beat in the face and humiliated? Because that is how it has always been and that is all I know. Sub-consciously I feel as if I deserve that treatment. Why am I violent? The rage inside is uncontrollable. Anger is part of who I am now, bitterness, coldness. It feels good to hit someone.
How shameful to acknowledge these things, yet so soothing to know that "old me is left behind". I am now learning how to show my affection. The good kind. I don't look away or get nervous when I say I love you. I am trying so hard not to freak out just to hold your hand. Every time something good comes along, I have no idea how to react so I push it away. Thank God for the one person that has chosen to stick around and accompany me on this wild ride of self discovery. I know one thing for sure. The demons of my past will have no power in my life anymore.  Being able o acknowledge these things is only the beginning. Feeling guilty for standing up for myself or using the excuse that I am afraid of being alone will not make its presence known in my mind anymore. I am strong. I know this because I would not be alive now if I weren't.


  1. Beautifully said my friend. I must admit your not alone!!

  2. I know how you feel I too am trying to change the pattern and am hellbent
    on not repeating the patterns of the past. I went thru some counseling
    and I hope that a have learned to recognize the red flags but i think
    the reason I am still single is my trust issues. This is a great article
    thanks for sharing

  3. It is so hard. I am still unable to trust, but I know I have too or I will be alone forever. It is so hard to do when all you know is bad..

  4. keep up the good work

  5. You're doing a great job on this blog :) You are saying out loud the things that have been taboo for so many woman to talk about. I know you are making a difference to many woman that have the same issues and I can see you becoming more self confident as you write :) You are very lucky to have such a understanding and supporting Hubby, Daughter and Friends :) Great Job

  6. Thanks Shalyn.. This is definitely a weird way to gain some kind control of my life... It is amazing though, that I do have so many wonderful supportive people around... I am sure most people would have this kind of support, but the fear keeps them from speaking out and then, just hiding out. Thank you so much for the support. It means a lot to me.

  7. dear FlaviaBrazuca
    I appreciate and admire your fighting spirit. Keep doing good work through this blog.
    thanks for joining my blog on earthquake prediction
    By the way I have also experience of extreme stress and related ailments. I have written an e-book on the self help topic on w The book name is -A gifted Toy-
    If you feel,you can read some of the pages of the book
    Amit Dave

  8. Hello Amit,
    Thank you for your kind words. I will love to read your book! I am sorry you have suffered as well, but we are examples of what victims of any kind are capable of, compassion, will and still able to enjoy the world around us! I look forward to your blog posts as well.. Have a wonderful day!