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Sunday, June 13, 2010

My Own Self Perception: Self Esteem, Insecurities and how they affect my Adult Life.

Rape and sexual abuse have so many effects on a persons self esteem. In a world where we are judged daily, our insecurities as survivors are tried 10 fold. Any kind of abuse completely violates every part of us. Our body, minds and soul. It is so hard to fell worthy after your core is so battered. 
We feel horrible inside. There are no words to describe the fear, shame and worthlessness I feel sometimes. In turn this has drastically caused huge implications for me. In my next few posts, I intend on speaking, one by one on the aspects of my life that have been severely damaged by my abuse. 

Intimate Relationships:
Family  & Friends:
Academically:
Professional Life:
Personal Life:


Although I know what is wrong, I just can not get myself to feel the right way. It is so hard to explain. Maybe in the coming days, with the help of my therapist, I might come to a conclusion on how to start feeling better about me. I just want that shinning star to come out and glow without the fear of burning out or just not being bright enough.
As I mentioned before, by no means am I at a point in my career to give out professional advice. I speak from the heart, my life is now an open book and I want to share my experiences to help myself and others but as well to find a correlation between my emotions and behaviors compared to other survivors.
My self esteem is shot. I know why, it is obvious right? Being told you are worthless all your life. Being made to feel like a fool, humiliation and vulgarity beginning at a young age. I know, I know, but why can't I control the way I feel. It is frightening  not to be able to control your own emotions. The only time I feel any sense of confidence is when I am really skinny, when I am told I am pretty over and over again, it is so annoying!
I want all eyes on me. Not because I have on a nice dress, but more so because I want to make sure everyone wants to see me out of that dress. I go out of my way to exude sexuality. Twisted right? Like if that is all that encompasses me. I feel like I have no worth if it isn't sexual in nature.
Every time I feel happy I am almost instantly brought back to my place of worthlessness. I don't ever feel I deserve anything good in my life. When something good does come along, I run away in fear of failing or getting hurt. The strong girl inside has no idea how to break out.
Work, I can't even get out of bed half the time to make it into the office on time. The thought of being alone in a parking lot terrifies me, or an office full men. How is that going to work out? I am scared yet I want to make sure they all want me? I feel like such a weirdo, a freak even delusional at times.
All of my intimate relationships have similar issues that stem from both partners. Cheating, lying, violence you name it. So this where I choose to begin in depth speaking about how my self esteem and insecurity have affected my relationships, even the relationship I have with my own husband today.
Thank you all for the support. Stay tuned ;-)



2 comments:

  1. The fact that you can recognize your feelings and examine where they come from shows your strength of mind and will. I am so proud that you're my cousin. I love you. -Aimee

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  2. Thanks Sugar plum :-) I love you too........ Even though it is so scary I feel stronger and stronger every single day...... -)

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