Again I like to always remind all that read my blog that
although I am not yet licensed in this field, I have dedicated my life and
studies to advocate against this taboo topic and I believe that my first hand
knowledge on the after math of abuse is important in finding bonds and
similarities between all of us who have experienced or know someone who has
been exposed to such horrendous crimes.
Ok, got the disclaimer out of the way………
Wow, I can’t believe it’s been so long since the last time I
posted. Although I have many valid
excuses for being absent (school, books, pregnancy) I hope to never take such a
long hiatus again. My topic for this
entry is something that many mothers who have been abused tend to never speak
of yet the impact and implications of the matter are traumatizing in their own
right; Pregnancy and post pregnancy.
Let’s state the obvious, everything changes when you are
pregnant, your hormones, your body, even your vision for Gods sake, the list
can go on and on. For most, pregnancy is
a time of great celebration and joy but for victims of sexual abuse this can be
one of the most frightening experiences in the world. I will share my own experience and hope that
someone will be able to find solace in knowing that what they are feeling and experiencing
is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
The minute I found out I was pregnant with my first child, a girl, I was
relieved and exuberated. The thought of
raising a man that could potentially hurt women was the most horrifying thing
to me imaginable. As the pregnancy
progressed, the joy quickly shifted to terrifying thoughts of my baby girl
undergoing the same atrocities I had witnessed.
Reoccurring nightmares and panic attacks soon followed. Without the support and knowledge I have
today, my first pregnancy was nothing short of a wicked joke God was playing on
me. I questioned why was even the most
beautiful thing being taken away from me?
I remained silent, fearing that what I was feeling was
abnormal and that people would question my ability to be a mother. After my daughter was born, I struggled with
the idea of changing her diapers, bathing her and even breast feeding her. For the first months my husband did
everything for me, except for feeding of course. I was worried that she might feel strange if I
had to touch her private parts to clean her.
Sounds ridiculous when I say that now, but at the time it was a legitimate
fear. I have learned now that this is
the most common reaction survivors have with their newborns. The depression began to sink in, what kind of
mother am I who can’t even change her daughter without wanting to cry in fear
that it might make her feel violated? This
is when I decided to look for help. After
learning that my emotions were normal and actually healthy my life turned
around. I now saw this little person
that depended on me for everything, even changing her stinky diapers. I remember clearly the words, although not so
glamorous that was expressed to me by the therapist “Flavia would YOU rather let
your imagined fear that your daughter is feeling ashamed as a 3 month old or
face the actual consequences of not having her diaper changed”? WOW, made me see things in a whole different light.
As she grew older, and more beautiful the fears became real
again, as I am like a hawk where ever she goes.
Once a man told me that I had a very beautiful daughter, I looked at him
and said “you are disgusting”! Imagine that, what did he do? It was obvious there was more work to be done
and I was still to afraid to come out to those around me, the ones you really
need for support. The fear is very
real, the nightmares still come and go as they please but I began to accept that
fact that I had not control over the future and could only focus on the present
with my daughter.
As mentioned in my aptly named disclaimer, I was gone due to
pregnancy and I was positive I had bit the fears in the rear. I have exposed myself to all of my family and
friends, I speak constantly on the subject, and there was no way that I would
be affected, especially because now I knew exactly what to expect. Quite the contrary, the minute I found out I was
having a boy, my life shattered. My
fears were no longer what someone would do to my child but what my child was
going to do to someone else. I was mortified, I felt scared to think of
what was inside my belly. How could I
love something so much and think of it as a monster? Just to write those words make me want to
vomit now, he is an angel, but the fear was real. I was scared to tell my husband how I felt, I
knew it sounded crazy. After speaking
with my counselor she informed me that again this is a natural reaction. When every man you have ever known and
trusted has hurt you, you have no option but to generalize. I took a few therapy sessions to realize that
my fears were just that, fears not actualities but it took the kind words of my
cousin to change my whole entire perspective.
Her words changed me forever “Flavia, don’t be afraid your son will be
perfect because YOU will teach him how to be a real man”. It brings tears to my
eyes just to remember that, if it weren’t for that text message I might still
be a little afraid.
For some women, childbirth itself is terrifying, being
exposed in front of strangers in such a vulnerable position is traumatic and
yet, they remain silent. Breast feeding
is also a common problem for survivors; the most beautiful bonding experience
is now soiled and many stay quiet. The
life survivors live during pregnancy and
after having children is a hard one, always afraid that something might happen
to their babies, always wondering if they are doing enough to keep them safe is
always a persistent burden. You must dig
deep within yourself to know that you are worthy of the single most beautiful
things in life, motherhood. Don’t let
your perpetrator steal that away from you, fight back, not only for you but for
your precious babies. They deserve a
mother that is healthy and willing to fight.
“There is a secret in our culture, and it’s not that birth is painful.
It’s that women are strong.” ~ Laura Stavoe Harm