Thursday, May 6, 2010

The fear has subsided

Since my first post last week, I have been pacing around this house like a silent ghost. Some days I felt proud about my decision, other days I just wanted to curl into a ball and hide. But hiding is what I have been doing practically my whole life. I don't want to hide anymore and that was the whole purpose of me creating this blog. If I hide that means they win. I won't allow that, EVER AGAIN..
So I will resume my story where I left off. Lets see how far I can go this time...
My memory is vague at this point. I am 4-5 years old, I don't speak English and the only friend I had made was a little Mexican girl a few houses down from the house I was living at. She spoke Spanish and I spoke Portuguese, we somehow managed to communicate. I remember her always combing my hair and telling me I was her best friend. My mother did not leave me out of her sight, so I snuck out the side gate to go see my friend.
I remember walking to her house and another neighbor called me over. He was a nice man. I remember my mom trying to communicate with him before. I knew he was a good old man. He offered me a Snickers bar and gave me a potted plant. I did not know how to thank him so I gave him a hug and split the snickers with him. I continued to walk to my friends house. When I got there, her father answered the door and told me that "M" was not there but I could come in and wait for her. I sat on the couch and was watching the Little blue people cartoon. Her dad then says "you like the smurfs?" I didn't know what smurfs were, I assumed he was talking about the potted plant I had in my hand. I walked over to him and handed him the plant, what was I going to do with it anyways. "M" was taking too long and I knew I was going to get in trouble so I wanted to leave.
I just stood in front of him after handing him the pot and gave him a hug and turned around. I guess this was his que that I was "Interested". He began to fondle me and say all kinds of things to me in Spanish. I was so scared I didn't know what to do. I don't remember how I got out of the house, but I remember running down he street As I ran I began to notice that there were no trees on that street. I wish there was a tree for me to hide in. I saw some birds and remember thinking in my head "if God could only turn me into a bird I could fly home faster".
As I ran, I heard the other neighbor call my name. I was relieved to see him. He noticed that I was scared and said things to me that to this day I can not remember or translate, I don't know. From there I was pointing to the house where "M" lived and I was making gestures with my hands showing him what her father had done to me. Again, I guess this was his que that I was interested in him. This time, it was not just fondling, He forced himself on me. All I remember was the pain I felt. He stuck his dirty under ware in my mouth to keep me quite.
I couldn't even try to fight anymore. He was huge and the smell of fried anything reminds me of that day. when he was done taking my life away. He smiled and gave me another snickers bar. He looked at me and said in a horrible accent "Manda un beso a tu mama" (Send a kiss to your mother for me.)
This happened 2 times, with 2 random people in the matter of 45 minutes to an hour. I assumed this must be the way they say hello in America. I never questioned it, I never spoke of it and believed that what had happened was ok. I continued going to "M's" house almost everyday after that. Her father never touched me again. But I wish I could say the same for the other man, if I can even call him that. In retrospect, I think he gave me flowers and chocolate to keep me quite, to make me feel like he was my friend. My whole life I struggled about this. "Why the hell did I keep going there?" I hated what was happening but I never stopped going. "WHY?"
My parents and I moved out of that house and into our own place in Azuza, right next door to a high school. I still remember the address, 333 Rockefellar Dr.I felt safe and was ready to put that stuff behind me. Little did I know that things from this point on were only going to get worse. Horrifying is a better description....Ok No more. The anxiety is way too much for me to handle now...
As I am writing this, I am feeling a great deal of relief. Allowing the world to know my secret is allowing me to prove to myself that I am no longer ashamed and that I am here to take a stand. I am here to scream in the faces of these pedophiles, these animals,that I AM ALIVE! I AM HERE! YOU DID NOT DESTROY ME! YOU MADE ME A WARRIOR!


  1. YES! Get it ALL OUT! You are a voice for so many without words or voices. I continue to pray for you, my friend. I LOVE YOU!

  2. Thanks Jan, It means alot to not be judged. I was so afraid. I was that some people would think I was weird or gross. Means alot to hear that from you.. Love you too!